This post is written from the heart. These also could be signs you are with a toxic person in general. It all depends on how long you have been together and if they have changed over time. This post may be all over the place, but if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions, please leave me a comment below. I know I usually talk about the happy stuff and mostly my kids, but I wanted this to be addressed. Feel free to skip.
Image found HERE
I'm not saying with counseling that things can't get fixed. I actually think you should try to fix something that is broken before just throwing it away. I understand that everyone has their breaking point. This list doesn't include cheating or physical abuse because those are not negotiable for me. Personally, infidelity is my absolute breaking point. Emotional or physical. There are real life stories from people on this list, but I was given permission to share, and the names have been changed to protect their identity.
Here are signs of an unhealthy marriage:
Here are signs of an unhealthy marriage:
- Belittles you to others in front of you: This can be little things, but certainly thing you are insecure about. And I like to give the benefit of a doubt sometimes that they are just making conversation, but sometimes things don't need to be said to certain people.
Example: My friend was at her family's house, and they were talking about who does the laundry. I have a friend whose husband never helps with any of the laundry. Her sister was talking about that she no longer puts her husband's laundry away. And my friend spoke up and said, "Oh I still do." Her husband scoffed and said, "No, you don't put anyone's away and just leave it on the dresser."
This may seem insignificant in this moment. But after time it will wear you down and can make you depressed because he doesn't help but wants to make fun.
- Makes jokes behind your back about you. This is just rude. And shouldn't be done. Period. I don't care if the person thinks it's funny. That's your spouse.
“Aw what would you do without me” “Hire a maid and a nanny and call it a day”
“Last mistake I made was saying yes to getting married”
- It feels like you never talk. If it feels like it, then you don't. This is a HUGE red flag. Because it starts as you not talking, then talking to other people, and then only talking to other people...
- not supportive. When some people are unhappy with their own lives, they can't be happy for other people. This negatively effects a partner. And when you share your accomplishments with them and they find ways to make it insignificant, then it can really eat at your soul.
Susan's story: She told her husband; “I didn’t tell because I was worried, I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I beat a DietBet.” Her husband, “What’s that?” “It’s an app that lets you bet against yourself to lose weight and you only have to lose 4%. Other people are in it. Everyone bets $30 and if you beat your goal then you split the pot! And I won $50!” “Well, you could cheat at those games.”
When they don't support you, it can makes you feel like not trying and then of course makes them note that you "never try at anything". So, it is a cycle. Because you need that one person who is supposed to be there through thick and thin to "have your back".
- Seems to only focus on your flaws. When you are fighting, they only talk about the stuff you aren't doing, things that you need to fix, etc. And when they do point out the things that you are doing, they say things like “it’s about time”. Everyone has flaws however minor or not. And when you are first in love, maybe you don't see who they are as a person, but if your spouse can't appreciate the good you bring to your home, family, or relationship then they are the problem, not you.
It might be time to consider a divorce if your spouse continues to criticize you in an unhealthy way and can't see the good that you are doing. You can learn more here about how to go through the process of a divorce. Divorce does not have to be seen as a negative; it could mean a new start for both of you, full of self-love and appreciation.
- Physical Intimacy Feels like a Chore or you aren't having it at all. HUGE red flag. You shouldn't feel forced to do the deed even with your spouse. If something is wrong in the bedroom, then it is time to talk to someone.
- They Constantly Gaslight You. What does gaslighting mean? It means to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. And it can be little things at first, but the big red flag is when you ask if something is wrong, and you know it is. Finally, the other person got to their breaking point.
I didn't know if I should put this one in here or not. Because honestly, I think this is a learned personality trait and makes the person who they are. Sometimes I like to hope that they aren't doing it on purpose. But over time when things stack up whether that person consciously knows they are doing it or not, it can weigh on your mind.
"It's easy to blame your husband for your broken marriage and feel like everything is his fault," says author and coach, Laura Doyle, "but the simple truth is he may just be reacting to you and your behavior." Laura approaches a toxic relationship with the viewpoint of cleaning up your side of the street and focusing on the things you can control, which includes making your personal self-care a priority every single day. "Make a list of 20 things you like to do that puts a smile on your face and pick 3 things every single day," Laura told Nanny to Mommy. After all, if your cup reserves are filled, it will be easier to deal with everyday stress or upsets. But let's get back to the topic at hand - how do you clean up your side of the street, according to Laura?
- Be respectful! Respect is like oxygen to a relationship and without it, the relationship dies. You may be thinking that you are very considerate and thoughtful when you make your partner's favorite meal, Laura says, but if you scolded him for not taking out the trash or rolled your eyes at a story, he is telling you about his day, then you are being disrespectful. These little attacks add up over time and no matter how much you love each other, criticism kills intimacy. And respect goes both ways.
- Relinquish control. Individuals like to make their own life choices and by insisting on helping someone that is capable of doing it himself, you are stripping away his autonomy. Laura reminds you to think about how angry you get when you share a problem with your partner and he immediately offers a solution, when what you really wanted was to vent. Being too helpful hides what is really going on, which is you're being controlling. Whether you are aware of it or not, you're training him to think that he is incompetent at guiding his daily life properly and you must step in. Who does this remind him of, asks Laura? If you said his mother, bingo! Take a step back and trust your spouse. But remember, if he is seeking validation from you for his toxic behaviors, then you have a right to speak up.
- Express your gratitude daily. This may hit a nerve, to be honest. You might be thinking that you deserve a thank you for doing most of the household chores or for packing his lunches, rather than thanking him for taking the trash out every few days. And you are right, you should be appreciated, says Laura. But that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't deserve recognition for what he is doing around the house. Afterall, if he doesn't do it, it will shift to your plate. What you will notice, almost like it is magic, is that the more appreciation and gratitude you express, the more inspired he will be to acknowledge you as well. Or he could be a selfish narcissist who thinks he deserves it.
Maybe your relationship evolves to a deeper level of connection, and you can regain the passion you had at the beginning of your romance. I certainly hope so and would love to know that a toxic relationship can be remedied. Marriage isn't always easy, but it is worthwhile and with over 20 years of experience, Laura's controversial approach has been praised by women internationally as a secret weapon to getting the marriage they wanted. "You don't need a new husband. You need a new marriage," Laura tells us.
It might be time to consider a divorce if your spouse continues to criticize you in an unhealthy way and can't see the good that you are doing. You can learn more here about how to go through the process of a divorce. Divorce does not have to be seen as a negative; it could mean a new start for both of you, full of self-love and appreciation.
- Physical Intimacy Feels like a Chore or you aren't having it at all. HUGE red flag. You shouldn't feel forced to do the deed even with your spouse. If something is wrong in the bedroom, then it is time to talk to someone.
- They Constantly Gaslight You. What does gaslighting mean? It means to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. And it can be little things at first, but the big red flag is when you ask if something is wrong, and you know it is. Finally, the other person got to their breaking point.
I didn't know if I should put this one in here or not. Because honestly, I think this is a learned personality trait and makes the person who they are. Sometimes I like to hope that they aren't doing it on purpose. But over time when things stack up whether that person consciously knows they are doing it or not, it can weigh on your mind.
"It's easy to blame your husband for your broken marriage and feel like everything is his fault," says author and coach, Laura Doyle, "but the simple truth is he may just be reacting to you and your behavior." Laura approaches a toxic relationship with the viewpoint of cleaning up your side of the street and focusing on the things you can control, which includes making your personal self-care a priority every single day. "Make a list of 20 things you like to do that puts a smile on your face and pick 3 things every single day," Laura told Nanny to Mommy. After all, if your cup reserves are filled, it will be easier to deal with everyday stress or upsets. But let's get back to the topic at hand - how do you clean up your side of the street, according to Laura?
- Be respectful! Respect is like oxygen to a relationship and without it, the relationship dies. You may be thinking that you are very considerate and thoughtful when you make your partner's favorite meal, Laura says, but if you scolded him for not taking out the trash or rolled your eyes at a story, he is telling you about his day, then you are being disrespectful. These little attacks add up over time and no matter how much you love each other, criticism kills intimacy. And respect goes both ways.
- Relinquish control. Individuals like to make their own life choices and by insisting on helping someone that is capable of doing it himself, you are stripping away his autonomy. Laura reminds you to think about how angry you get when you share a problem with your partner and he immediately offers a solution, when what you really wanted was to vent. Being too helpful hides what is really going on, which is you're being controlling. Whether you are aware of it or not, you're training him to think that he is incompetent at guiding his daily life properly and you must step in. Who does this remind him of, asks Laura? If you said his mother, bingo! Take a step back and trust your spouse. But remember, if he is seeking validation from you for his toxic behaviors, then you have a right to speak up.
- Express your gratitude daily. This may hit a nerve, to be honest. You might be thinking that you deserve a thank you for doing most of the household chores or for packing his lunches, rather than thanking him for taking the trash out every few days. And you are right, you should be appreciated, says Laura. But that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't deserve recognition for what he is doing around the house. Afterall, if he doesn't do it, it will shift to your plate. What you will notice, almost like it is magic, is that the more appreciation and gratitude you express, the more inspired he will be to acknowledge you as well. Or he could be a selfish narcissist who thinks he deserves it.
Maybe your relationship evolves to a deeper level of connection, and you can regain the passion you had at the beginning of your romance. I certainly hope so and would love to know that a toxic relationship can be remedied. Marriage isn't always easy, but it is worthwhile and with over 20 years of experience, Laura's controversial approach has been praised by women internationally as a secret weapon to getting the marriage they wanted. "You don't need a new husband. You need a new marriage," Laura tells us.
Online, marriage can look like the perfect cookie cutter love story. I know I'm guilty of only sharing the good times and never the bad. In my pursuit to be more real with my followers, I want to start sharing it all again and no longer fear what others might think.
Marriage goes through ups and downs. But sometimes you have to know when to get help or throw in the towel. It is up to both you and your spouse if you want to try and fix it. I grew up as a child of divorce. I was never sad that my parents weren't together. I truly believe that some people either were never meant to be together and they couldn't see that from the beginning, or they grew apart. Money (or lack thereof), children, jobs (or losses of them), and other life events can change a person. You either need to grow together or have separate lives where you can be the best you.
Marriage goes through ups and downs. But sometimes you have to know when to get help or throw in the towel. It is up to both you and your spouse if you want to try and fix it. I grew up as a child of divorce. I was never sad that my parents weren't together. I truly believe that some people either were never meant to be together and they couldn't see that from the beginning, or they grew apart. Money (or lack thereof), children, jobs (or losses of them), and other life events can change a person. You either need to grow together or have separate lives where you can be the best you.
With all things considered, the most important thing is to make sure that you are doing what is right for you. That could mean that you find yourself looking into how to get divorced without too much trouble, or you might decide that you want to try and make things work. It’s up to you, but don’t rush into a decision either way.
This makes me so sad to think about what some people endure. I am so grateful for my hubby. We get on each others' nerves sometimes, but I wouldn't trade him for anything.
ReplyDeleteThese things seem small at first, but they really start to add up. It's sad and a little scary!
ReplyDeleteI've definitely seen friends and family in unhealthy relationships. It's scary how long women, especially, will try to make it work even when their very lives seem to be in danger.
ReplyDeleteI think this topic is very important!! A lot of times, we’re not going to be honest in front of our friends! Especially if they are both of our friends! They don’t want us to be mad at them and you to be mad at us!
ReplyDeleteI would rather have an honest opinion from someone that doesn’t know us at all. This pandemic has been hard on everyone! Not being able to go places and see our families For us, not being able to see them gave us nothing to talk about!! I used to say how could a couple who were together for over 30 years get a divorce?? Well I kind of understand now for some couples!! I took a vow before God when I married my husband. I do not take it lightly! Like you wrote one of the ways my husband can get rid of me
Immediately is to cheat on our marriage vows!! To me there is no excuse!! I have gotten bitter and wanted my husband to feel the deep hurt I was! My two brothers died within days of each other in February! I was and am devastated!! I felt like I couldn’t breathe!! Both brothers were younger than me. My brother, Tom died of Mantle Cell Lymphoma. My brother, Tony died of a heart attack a few hours later from hearing about Tom’s death! They were very close! My husband has always stuck up for me, but now he felt like an enemy and boy did I let him have it! He told me that I shouldn’t still be in such a funk. That the kids and him would like to see me get back to normal. He said everyone knows how I get sick going through depression! First I was mad that he talked about to the kids behind my back about me! Second who was he to tell me that two months was enough time for me to grieve! I got nasty. Saying things I never would have said to him! I called him cold. That I couldn’t believe that I married a man that didn’t care! That he didn’t get emotional when his mom or his only sister died! I said that in front of others. He said that everyone grieves differently. He grieved in his own way! I also didn’t think he grieved over my brothers at all! In my mind, I couldn’t believe that he didn’t join me in grieving like I did!! Anyway, I start bringing up taste that he didn’t finish what he said he would and really tried to belittle him! Well after a while, just lately, he told me that if he was no good, a cold man, then what is he still doing there?? That he wasn’t a piece of furniture that you can use when you want to and when you don’t, just to sit there and look good! My heart fell to my feet! I really did not want him to leave!! I was hurt and wanted everyone to feel the hurt that I did- especially him!
I almost drove away my best friend of 40 years! He would have never done this to me! We still have things we need to talk about! We are not perfect and we don’t want to waste anymore time fighting or not doing what we always talked about doing!! After all he is 73 years old and I am going to be 65 years old in July. I’m sorry I poured my heart out on your blog! I would just love couples to try and get help. It’s too easy to just walk out the door! It’s harder to stay and fight for your love! Thank you ���� ����